January 2016
10 Strategies for working with
Defiant Children and Adolescents
As a counselor, I often get requests for ways to deal with angry and defiant children. Over the years, the following strategies have worked well for me:
1) Have written rules and consequences-This will keep you from disciplining out of the mood you’re in.
2) Be consistent and don’t let “little things“ go by-Consequence should be inevitable.
3) Administer fair and escalating consequences in a firm, respectful, warm manner.
4) Whenever possible, discipline in private.
5) DON’T ARGUE WITH STUDENTS!-This tends to increase their feelings of power.
6) When the student breaks a rule, have him/her fill out a Reflection Form which includes:
What did you do?
What was wrong with that?
What were you trying to accomplish (goal)?
How can you achieve that next time?
7) Avoid any form of sarcasm or facetiousness.
8) Be specific when discussing desired behavior-For example, instead of saying, “I want you to show respect,“ describe the exact behavior you’re looking for.
9) Change the way you view the student. Instead of viewing him/her as “defiant“ view the student as “discouraged.“ Reframing our view often increases the likelihood we are positive with the student.
10) Build Rapport! Remember, rules without a relationship are meaningless. Prove you’re not like the adults this child has learned to mistrust.
November 9, 2015
Motivating Students: Strategies that Work
In an article titled, “Addressing Achievement Gaps with Psychological Interventions, David Yeager, Gregory Walton, and Geoffrey Cohen, write about how they were able to use targeted, “stealthy” psychological interventions with a growth mindset message to improve student motivation and grades. They found that “teaching students that intelligence can be developed can help them view struggles in school not as a threat but as an opportunity to grow and learn”.
The researchers contend when students struggle academically we often look at it from an adult perspective and have thoughts such as “How can we teach better?”, “What new strategies can I give them?” or “He just needs to work harder”. So, we give them “more work” in hopes they’ll understand. Although this can be helpful, it doesn’t really look at the situation from the student’s point of view. For example,
What is the student concerned about?
How does the student feel about his/her potential?
Does the student feel accepted by his teacher and classmates?
How does the student believe other see him?
So what do we do?
This approach suggests teachers should look beyond how they communicate academic content and try to understand, and where appropriate, change how students experience school. They believe a common problem is students have beliefs that keep them from accessing the help they need. For example, if a student believes those who struggle in math are “dumb”, it makes sense for students to feel scared of being thought of as “dumb”. With this belief, giving a student extra work or more study time (ie. Tutorials) will probably not lead to much academic improvement.
How do you change these negative self-beliefs?
These Strategies include teaching the growth mindset and placing a focus on belonging. In experiments, they discovered that even relatively brief messages and exercises designed to reinforce the growth mindset and sense of belonging improved students achievement over a several month period. A key finding was that these psychological interventions work only when they are delivered in ways to change how students think and feel in a “stealthy way”. It’s not as effective to just “tell the student the findings”. Each intervention had the student actively generate the intervention himself. For example, having the student write letters to younger students about the how the growth mindset works and apply it to particular problems (ie. I’m not goo in math, I can’t catch a ball, I’ll never get over my parent’s divorce, no one will ever like me, new student – I’ll never learn to make new friends, etc). They describe this approach as “Stealthy techniques. It works much better than just saying, “This is an intervention or you have a problem. They found this activity alone increased motivation and academic performance of the students who wrote the letter
Why does it work?
These messages seem may seem small, but to a student who believes a low test score can mean he’s stupid, or could be seen as stupid, learning that the brain can grow and form new connections when challenged, or being told a teacher believes he can reach high standards can be powerful
How does this help over time?
In education, early success begets more success. As students study, learn and build academic skills they’re better able to perform and learn in the future. As students form better relationships these become sources of support and learning that promotes feelings of belonging and academic success. When students see improvement due to their efforts, their beliefs about their own capabilities continues to grow which leads to more investment in school.
August 19, 2015
Getting Ready for the 2015 International Bullying Prevention
Association Conference
This year’s conference will be on November 16-18 in Denver. Check out the fantastic line up of presenters from across the world speaking on various aspects of bullying prevention. This year's theme is Reaching New Heights in Bullying Prevention through Empathy and Kindness. For more information about this year’s conference, go to www.ibpaworld.org.
As has been true in previous years, last year’s conference was loaded with exciting speakers and valuable information. It was kicked off by presenting Dr. Dan Olweus with a Lifetime Achievement Award and the opening keynote address by Rosalind Wiseman. I attended very informative and entertaining sessions by Stan Davis, Charisse Nixon, Jeffery Sprague and Trudy Ludwig.
The 11th annual theme was “Building Positive Relationships to Create a Positive School Climate.
During the conference, I had the honor of presenting on “School Climate Programs: Challenges and Strategies in Implementation”. The focus of my presentation was to assist schools in developing a school climate where bullying is less likely to occur and where adults respond swiftly when it does occur. The key points of the presentation were:
1) How does your mindset affects your response to bullying?
I discussed how some people see bullying as “normal”….“Kids being kids” and how they just need to “get over it”, but most of us understand that bullying is not “normal behavior”. Most students don’t hurt their peers and it’s not inevitable. A big part of changing the climate is changing this mindset.
2) Strategies for developing a more “bullying prevention friendly” mindset
These included sharing statistics and stories of empathy, including students in prevention efforts, have ongoing training with staff and students and focusing on connectedness. Research shows students who feel connected are less likely to bully, be bullied, use drugs or have suicidal ideation. They’re also more likely to have academic success, be happier and healthier.
3) Strategies in implementing a School Climate Program
Strategies included combining prevention efforts (drugs, bullying, etc.) in the same committees, obtaining administrative support and be patient. Climate change doesn’t occur over night
It was validating to see that other school districts around the world were also focusing on school climate, connectedness and social-emotional health in their bullying prevention efforts. It’s good to know we’re on the right track!
If you haven’t been to one of the IBPA conferences, you ought to consider it. It’ll be well worth your time. I hope to see you there!
August 5, 2015
What Are Schools Required to Do When Students With
Disabilities are Bullied?
Although many of us might be tired of hearing about “bullying” in schools, that doesn’t take away the fact that it still occurs. This is especially true for students with disabilities. World Health Organization Research shows students with disabilities are 2-3 time more likely to be bullied than their peers who are not bullied and 80% of students on the Autism Spectrum report being victims of bullying. It’s sad to see that our most vulnerable of students are the ones that suffer the most at the hands of students who often mistreat their peers. In addition, these are the students who are many times blamed for their mistreatment.
In light of this, The Office of Civil Rights issues “Dear Colleague Letters” which provide schools with information to assist them in meeting their obligations to protect the civil rights of the students and families they serve. Previous “Dear Colleague Letters” have pointed out that harassment of a student based on disability is a violation of his/herCivil Rights and this is true even if the bullying is not specifically "about" the student’s disability.
The October 21st, 2014 letter goes into more detail about a schools obligation to address disability-based harassment. A major point of emphasis here is that when a student with a disability is bullied the IEP team should convene to see if any changes need to be made to the students services. This includes students on a 504 plan as well. Hypothetical examples are given to discuss what would be an appropriate response to disability harassment and when a school might be violation of not protecting a student’s civil rights.
As you can see, this often affects students sometimes referred to as "proactive/provocative targets” (students who bully and get bullied) who are many times blamed for their victimization. These students are also at higher risk for depression and suicidal ideation.
In closing, to assure students are safe and decrease the chance the school, or an individual educator, is ever accused of violating a student’s civil rights with regard to disability harassment, make certain all staff members are aware of this information. Claiming a lack of knowledge about this matter will not protect the school, or a staff member, from possibly being accused of not making an “appropriate response” in providing a safe and healthy environment for these vulnerable students.
I have created a Staff Lesson on disability harassment that goes along with this information which can be found on our website. For the full “Dear Colleague Letter”, go to http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/letters/colleague-bullying-201410.pdf
July 22, 2015
What Can I do to Make Me Happy?
Recently, my 16 year old daughter told me about a movie she and some friends had watched on Netflix during downtime at a UIL event. It’s actually a documentary called “Happy” (also available for purchase online). She thought it might something I could use in working with schools and she was right! After seeing it, I ordered one for each of our campuses. Not only is it good for students, it’s good for staff as well.
In the documentary “Happy” (also available for purchase online), we discover that psychologists have begun to study “happiness” the way they’ve studied “depression”. Most of us believe that our overall level of happiness is determined by life circumstances. If we’re “happy” it’s because things are going well and if we’re “sad” it’s because things are going poorly. What they’ve discovered is that our life circumstances only accounts for about 10% of our overall happiness. About 50% is due to what they called a “genetic range” and 40% was due to “intentional” things people do to become happy. While interviewing people from all over the world, their research has revealed that people who are often “happy” have certain things they are doing that contribute to their level of happiness. They describe finding happiness as a skill that can be leaned. This helps explain why some people appear to bounce back from diversity quicker than others. What’s devastating for one person is seen as a set -back for others.
Since it’s the part we have control over, let’s take a look at a few “intentional” things we can do to increase our level of happiness. They found that people who focus on “extrinsic things” like money, status/image and status/popularity were less happy than people who focused on “intrinsic things” like Personal growth (be who I really am), close connections with friends/family and service to others (desire to make the world a better place).
What did their research reveal about money buying happiness? From $0 to $50,000 money does matter because it helps meet basic needs. But, for those making between $50,000 and $50,000,000 money didn’t appear to make a difference in their level of happiness. The reason for this finding is due to what they called, “the hedonic treadmill” which describes the fact that no matter how much money or stuff we have we always want more.
Overall, whether you live in a slum in India or a mansion in Beverly Hills, the things that tend to increase our overall level of happiness are things you can start doing today:
July 8, 2015
Maximizing the Effects of Praise
It’s one of my earliest memories. I was probably 4 years old. I had spent the night with a family friend from church named Joe McClellan. His mom, Patsy, was in the living room playing the piano and singing. She noticed that while I was sitting in the living room listening to her, I was keeping time to the music by tapping on the coffee table. Joe, six years older than me, actually had a “real” drum set. So, Patsy brought Joe’s snare drum in the living room and set it down in front of me. She showed me how to hold the sticks and a few minutes later I was playing along. Drumming came easy for me! It seemed like I didn’t even have to try and I could play. Soon, I was playing the drums in our church and receiving a lot of praise for doing so. It seemed like I was constantly hearing how good I was. Every time we had guests in our home my parents would bring them back to my room to hear me play. It was not uncommon to hear things like, “He’s so talented, “He’s a natural” or ”He’s going to be a professional”. As a four to five year old, that was pretty pleasing to my ears. But, that soon changed when I started school and begin attempting other things. All of the sudden, I wasn’t always the best. Some people could run faster than me. Others could read more difficult books than I could. I remember being at a Cub Scout meeting where we were asked to see how many chin-ups we could do. I didn’t even want to try because I was scared I wouldn’t be able to do the most. So, I didn’t even try. Soon, my fear of failure and avoiding things I didn’t think I was “good at” became a pattern for me. Many of my friends would go skating on Saturdays, but my dad would often take me to work with him on Saturdays. He was a building contractor, so I learned the value of hard work at a very young age. The down side was I couldn’t hang out with my friends at the local skating rink. The result was I never learned skate. When my friends would have skate parties, I would intentionally give my mother the wrong start time. That way I could show up late, miss the skating and make it for cake and ice cream. No one would see me fall down. Fast forward several years to 9th grade where my fear of failure for the first time affected me in the classroom. I had always been able to do well in school without putting in much effort. Then came algebra. It seemed like all of my friends could understand it, but I wasn’t “getting” it. I remember thinking I was just “dumb” and I didn’t want my friends to know. If I could play drums well because I was “talented”, then I must not be doing well at math because I am “stupid”. So, I stopped trying and begin to act up in the class. I would rather my friends think I was failing because I didn’t care than because I just didn’t know how to do the work. I didn’t actually realize what I was doing at the time, but I know today that’s what was happening. I had a massive fear of failure. If I couldn’t be the best, I didn’t want to try at all. I often told my parents, “I just can’t do math”. “Some people were born being good at it and I’m not one of them”. I had developed what Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck called a “Fixed Mindset”. From her website on “Mindset” http://mindsetonline.com/whatisit/about/index.htm Dweck describes a “Fixed Mindset” as when “people believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits. Then spend their time documenting their intelligence or talent
p.2
instead of developing them. They also believe talent alone creates success – without any effort. They’re wrong.” She goes on to describe a “Growth Mindset” -
“In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment. Virtually all great people have had these qualities”. She goes on to say that this view holds, “your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts”.
So, in a “fixed mindset” you’re pretty much stuck with what you’re given. There’s not much you can do about it. If you’re familiar with poker, it’s similar to the difference between “Five Card Stud” and “Five Card Draw”. In “Five Card Stud” the cards are dealt and you’re stuck with whatever you get. There’s no chance to “improve” your hand. You simply play the cards your given. As opposed to “Five Card Draw”, where you’re dealt five cards, but after assessing what you’ve been dealt, you have the opportunity to discard up to three cards and receive three new ones. You have the ability to “affect” or “improve” your hand. Obviously, this gives you more control over the outcome. In a similar manner, that’s what makes a “growth mindset” so effective. With individual traits, genetics might set the range of your potential, but your effort will decide where you fall in that range.
Comments you might hear from a person with a fixed mindset would be things like, “I can’t do math”, “I’m a loser”, “I’m stupid” or “Everyone is better than me”. A common fixed mindset phrase in our culture today is, “It is what it is”. In other words, there’s nothing I can do about it. The growth mindset version of the phrase would be “it is what I make it” or “it might be hard but I can do hard things”. I believe that sometimes the phrase is just used to rationalize not wanting to put forth the effort to make changes in our behavior.
How does your mindset affect you?
Your mindset has a profound influence of the way you view the world and approach life’s problems. Having a fixed mindset can produces anxiety because these individuals equate who they are with what they do. If you don’t pass a test, get a job promotion or win a race, you see yourself as a failure. Your perceived value or self-worth is tied to how you perform at that given moment in time. With a fixed mindset, you believe one incident can define who you are forever.
How do we develop a fixed or growth mindset?
Dweck approached this problem by studying the effects of praise on mindset. During this study with over four hundred fifth graders, she praised students for either their “ability/Intelligence”
p.3
(“Good answer, you must be really smart”) or for their “effort” (“Good answer, you must have tried really hard”). She discovered this small difference in the way the students were praised had a tremendous impact on their mindset and their motivation to solve problems. Those who were praised for their “ability” tended to reveal a fixed mindset and student who were praised for their “effort” tended to reflect at growth mindset. The difference in the two groups motivation levels was profound. Many times we tend to overestimate the value of praising intelligence/ability and underestimate the power of praising effort. Check out these two videos on Youtube to get a basic understanding of her findings:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWv1VdDeoRY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTXrV0_3UjY
Pretty incredible isn’t it? In summary, her findings teach us that we should praise children for qualities they can control, like effort. Those praised for their natural/inborn talents or intelligence might develop the sense that hard work isn’t necessary or that when they fall short there’s nothing they can do about it. So, whether you’re a parent, educator, coach or employer these are practical things you can do to assist others in achieving their full potential. For a thorough understanding of this information, I would highly recommend reading Carol Dweck’s book titled, “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success”.
June 24, 2015
How to “Train Your Brain” to be More Positive:
The 21 Day Brain Train Challenge
Have you ever been around someone who was so negative it just seemed to drain the life out of you? Can you think of anyone who fits that description? I once had a client like that. She could make any situation negative. If she won the lottery she would probably complain about where she would put all of the money. One holiday season a few years ago the PTA at her school was giving a few less fortunate families a “Thanksgiving Dinner” complete with turkey, vegetables and a homemade pie. She complained about the turkey not being cooked and the fact that she only likes pumpkin pie (she had been given a chocolate pie). She demanded that next year her turkey be cooked and she receive a pumpkin pie or she didn’t want the dinner! When she left, I felt like I needed therapy! Talk about a “Debbie Downer”! Ironically, one of the reasons she’s in therapy is because she believes no one likes her. The real challenge in helping her is to get her to see what she is/ isn’t doing that leads to these negative reactions from others – without blaming her. One strategy I used was to have her watch the “Happy” documentary I referred to in a previous article (Titled “What Can I Do to Make Me Happy) and a video by Shawn Achor. I challenged her to apply these principles to her life. Basically, I asked her to start doing things that “happy” people do. If you recall in the “Happy” documentary, most people might assume that our overall level of happiness is determined by life circumstances. It would appear logical that if we’re “happy” it’s because positive things are happening and if we’re “sad” it’s because negative things are happening. Their findings reveal something quite different. What they’ve discovered is that our life circumstances only accounts for about 10% of our overall happiness. Their research has revealed that people who tend to be “happy and positive” have certain things they are doing that contribute to their overall level of happiness and positivity. Borrowing from the same research, Shawn Achor, in his 2012 Ted Talks appearance (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLJsdqxnZb0), describes five specific things we can do to become a more positive and productive person. These steps include:
His research revealed that doing these five things over a 21 day period was as effective as antidepressant medications in decreasing levels of depression. We’re about to start the “21 Day Brain Train Challenge” in our schools. We’re challenging staff, students and their families to participate. I hope you’ll give it a try as well. If you do, let me know how it goes!
June 20, 2015
Strategies on Coping with Change
I work for a school system in North Texas called The Frisco Independent School District. Over the past twenty years, we have been one of the fastest growing cities in the country. Twenty years ago, we had one high school, one middle school and four elementaries. We currently have over 45,000 students housed in 7 high schools, 14 middle schools and 38 elementaries and we’re adding more campuses in the fall. Due to this rapid growth, rezoning is a constant thing our students and their families have to deal with. As you can imagine, our students are not always excited about the side effects of our growth. This past year, we added a new high school which meant several hundred students had to leave their current school and attend the new one. Most handled it well, but a few had a difficult time with the move. I even had one 16 year old boy I saw in counseling who wanted to know if he tried to kill himself would that improve his chances of getting to transfer back to his old school. Even though his friends at his old school were less than 5 minutes away, he couldn’t stand the thought of having to attend a new school. He would do anything to get a transfer.
Although change is an inevitable part of life, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy to accept. No one is “born” with the genetic instructions on how to cope with change and loss. It’s something we must learn. Unfortunately, not all students come from families who teach and model healthy coping responses. Some students have parents who fear change themselves and pass that mindset on to their children. These children often lack resiliency and are often overwhelmed by life’s problems. The result can be feelings of fear, mistrust and hopelessness. But, even for those children who grow up learning coping strategies in their homes, coping with change can still be difficult. It’s a normal developmental task children must learn to become emotionally healthy adults.
In order to assist students in coping with this changes, our district put together a video called “Voices of Change: A look at School Transitions”. You can find the video on youtube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oJC9UoC6DM. If this is an issue you’re struggling with in your district you might want to check it out. Other strategies in coping with change include:
May 27, 2015
15 Things Parents Should Stop Stressing Out About in 2015
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/30/things-parents-should-stop-stressing-about_n_6391934.html?ncid=tweetlnkushpmg00000067
Recently, I saw stumbled across a good article from The Huffington Post called, “15 Things Parents Should Stop Stressing Out About in 2015”. In addition to these 15 helpful suggestions, I would like to add a couple more. These are two of the issues I see most often when working with families in my private practice.
16. Stop stressing yourself, as well as your children, out by putting so much emphasis on your child’s performance. Ie. Grades, sports, music, behavior, etc.
I was talking with a parent this past week who was trying to “motivate” her son to make better grades by saying to him, “What’s wrong with you? Do you know even care about you future? You’ll probably end up working at McDonalds. There’s no way you could get in to a good college”. The boy is in 9th grades, is making mostly A’s and B’s and let one grade slip to a 67. His parents overlooked the fact that they had recently divorced, the mom rarely sees her children, the dad just got a new girlfriend (who’s living with him) and the mom is about to get married. I believe those parents ought to be focusing more on their own performance (or lack there of). I was seeing a high school senior last year who was the Valedictorian of his class and he was so stressed his hair was falling out. His major stressor was worrying about not being the “smartest” when he gets to college. I often hear these students say, “I’m not a good enough athlete, student, or friend,. I’m just not “good” enough. Period.. These children have a hard time separating who they are from what they do. Their self- worth is often tied up in their performance. We have to assist these children in the process of letting them know that they are more than just a “student” or “athlete”. We do this by showing love for who they are regardless of their performance. They need to know they are unconditionally loved and appreciated. Period.
17. Stop solving problems they can handle themselves. Allow them to struggle, play outside and make mistakes. That's a healthy part of growing up
I remember one evening while cleaning up after dinner, I was contemplating whether my 5 year old son was old enough to have chores like putting the silverware up from the dish washer. About that time he came downstairs with a robot he had built out of Legos. I asked him where he came up with the model for his creation and he told me he had “downloaded” several plans off the internet and this was the one he liked best. At that point, my question was answered. If he was old enough to that, I think he’s old enough to figure out how to put a fork and spoon in a drawer. I quickly gave him his first lesson in working in the kitchen and he actually enjoyed it! Not only do I see parents fail to give their children chores, but they act as if their children are completely helpless. They don’t want their child to experience failure/struggle, so they often do everything for them. Struggle is a good thing. It’s ok if they “fail” sometimes. It’s a life lesson they need to learn. I heard a quote the other day that said, “Instead of preparing the path for the child, we should prepare the child for the path”. I think that says it all!
May 20, 2015
Effective Bullying Prevention: Is Your State Making the Grade?
A few years ago, while online, I came across the “Bullying Police USA” website. They are a watch-dog organization advocating for bullied children and reporting on state anti-bullying laws. As I surveyed the site, I discovered that each state was given a grade on how they measure up in their bullying prevention efforts. I was sad to see my state of Texas received a “C+”. Not so good! I am pleased to say that after the passing of antibullying legislation in 2012-13, Texas has pulled their grade up to an A ++! That’s more like it!
If you’re interested in how your state is measuring up, just go to www.bullypolice.org and click on your state. In addition to listing your state’s grade, the authors also give you a synopsis explaining the rationale behind the grade and a copy of all state legislation dealing with bullying.
If your state’s grade is not to your liking, I encourage you to be an advocate for the children of your state by contacting your elected officials to let them know about your concerns. If your state’s grade IS to your liking, I would contact them as well. Let them know you appreciate them being an advocate for children and takings steps to make your schools a safe place to be. Even if you have an A++ now, that could change. Schools must stay current with research in the field and make changes when necessary. As with all prevention efforts, we never completely “finish”. Effective prevention is “ongoing” and there’s always room for improvement!
May 13, 2015
How a Small Gesture Can Make a Lasting Impact
One evening during the last school year, I received a text from the Counseling Coordinator in our district. An uneasy feeling quickly came over me because that usually means some type of crisis has occurred on one of our campuses. Unfortunately, I was right. A staff member from one of our high schools had been killed in a traffic accident on his way to work. It was a 70 year old man named Richard Dunigan who served as the schools “Parking Lot Attendant”. As part of the districts “Crisis Response Team”, I was called to the campus on Monday morning to meet with staff and students who were having a difficult time coping with this loss. As I spoke with staff and students alike I quickly discovered Mr. Dunigan was much more than just a “Parking Lot Attendant”. I discovered that every morning he would be standing out in front of the school opening doors for students as their parents dropped them off in the carpool line. Each student was greeted with a “Good Morning” and “Have a great day”. This was not part of his job description. It was just part of who he was. Students, staff and parents looked forward to seeing him each morning. One 15 year old girl told me, “I was a new student and very scared to be at a new school. He was the first person who spoke to me and I felt comfortable at that school from the very first day”. Another girl said, “He made you feel go welcome and genuinely cared for you”. While running a small group session, I asked, “What will you remember the most about him”. One year old boy said, “He taught me that it doesn’t matter who you are or what job you have you can always make an impact”. I told him that reminded me of the Abe Lincoln saying,” It doesn’t matter what you are…whatever it is be a good one”. Mr. Dunigan was obviously a good one. As you go through the day, think of small ways you can make an impact in someone’s life….just something to lighten their load a little bit. It could be as simple as writing someone note of appreciation, helping a neighbor with a chore or helping coworker complete a task. As was the case with Mr. Dunigan, watch this video at http://www.wimp.com/simplething to see another example of how “opening doors” can make a big impact. By helping others, we help ourselves as well.